something about projects and time and whatnot

as an artist, the worst thing to deal with during finals season is a boat full of passion. while i should be spending my precious time studying or drafting paper after paper, all i can think about is what songs my characters would listen to or what Myers-Briggs type accurately personifies them.

it’s kind of dumb, sure, but it sucks having all of this inspiration with no time to do anything with it! the days are especially fleeting during this time of year, and with so much going on, it feels so incredibly out of touch and wrong to pick creative writing over my academic and moral obligations. i guess i could argue it’s a form of self-care—we're all owed our hobbies. but convincing others and yourself of that is an impossible task (at least in my experience).

so instead of studying for my history of narrative cinema final exam, which is in a little over an hour, here i sit at my campus cafe, ranting to an anonymous reader. tell me this, reader: is this stupid? i just feel so annoyed that i can’t spend this time with my craft because of all of my obligations, which i also recognize is such a privileged mindset. i am incredibly grateful to attend one of the nation’s “elite” colleges and have access to higher education at all, as it is in no way something anyone should take for granted. furthermore, i truly do love my professors and courses, and i’m interested in all of them. i guess i just have to wonder why, even now that most of my courses are intertwined with the fields i hold my deepest passion for, i still don’t have the extensive amount of motivation that high school me thought i would. i sound like a broken record, i’m sure, but it truly is so frustrating to feel like a brimming vessel with nothing to pour out.

even worse is how empty i feel when i open an empty document. what’s inspiration without a plot? i don’t know where to go. i think the issue is that i am a chronic overthinker, but aren’t all writers? how else would we ever put ourselves on deadline?

that's enough rambling and repetition for now. see you soon (hopefully with more work done on my manuscript). <3